I’m not exactly sure how to say this.
I have no funny story, no witty one-liner to preface what I’m about to say. Some of you are going to be shocked. Some will probably be disappointed, and I understand that. A lot of y’all won’t understand why I did what I did, and most will think I’m an idiot. That’s cool. I never said what I did was the smart choice, but it was definitely the right choice.
Ok, I’ll just throw it out there.
I quit my job.
I’ve imagined (and experienced) a couple different reactions to this news.
Some of my friends, who clearly don’t read this blog, were blindsided.
“Wait, what?!” they would shriek, taken aback by the news. These are the people who, in the beginning, asked me if my job was “just like that TV show, Pan Am?” Uh…no, not really. Not at all, actually. Hang on; I guess we do wear outdated uniforms and pantyhose, but…no. In no way was it similar to Pan Am.
If you’re one of my mom’s friends, I have a feeling you’re also quite shocked, though in the back of your mind you kind of expected this. I imagine that “mother knows best” look that can only be made by someone who has actually birthed a child, and you’re totally shaking your head right now.
I’m sorry! It was you that I was most scared to tell. I used to think it was just my parents that thought I was a good writer, and even then I figured it was because they kind of have to be nice to me. It was all of you, coming up to me in the grocery store and commenting on my mom’s Facebook statuses, that made me realize, “hey…I might actually be good at this.” So thanks for that little confidence boost. Seriously.
It comes as no surprise that my closest friends were the most supportive of this decision.
They didn’t ask those hard-hitting questions like, “Well, what do you have lined up next?” and “Have you updated your LinkedIn status?” Their support came in the form of text messages that said “HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and “FINALLY!!!!!!” and “No you’re not crazy LETS RAGE THIS WEEKEND!”
So, why did I do it?
I don’t have another job lined up. I don’t really have any job prospects lined up. I was enjoying the benefits, I probably could have stuck it out a little bit longer, right?
Well, yes. I 100% could have stuck it out longer. The job wasn’t killing me, I could have survived Christmas at the Holiday Inn in Kansas City, Missouri.
But I didn’t WANT to. It’s selfish, and stupid and naïve, but it’s the truth. I didn’t want to keep doing, day after day, week after week, something that I wasn’t passionate about. Something that I didn’t love doing, at least 75% of the time.
So I quit.
I had written all these posts about making things happen and doing what you love and carpe’ing the freaking diem. And there I was, watching a Law&Order SVU marathon in Milwaukee and moving farther and farther away from what I knew, deep down, that I should be doing.
I think Steve Jobs said it best when he told the Stanford graduating class, “there is no reason not to follow your heart.”
Here I go.
But what does this actually mean?
Well, I’m working on that.
I’m still thinking about heading to the west coast. One of the last things I did before turning in my two weeks notice was fly out to Los Angeles, and I used my time there to figure some things out.
I’m not going to move to LA without the most perfect, out of this world, dream job. I mean, I would love to be on the beach in Santa Monica at this very moment, who wouldn’t? But I would miss my family and friends, and Raleigh, as much as I hate to admit it. I’m not going to give up what I have here for some mediocre job.
Do I know what my next step is? No. Do I have a clear idea of exactly what I want to do? Nope. Am I scared? Hell yeah. Being an adult is terrifying.
I’m scared I’m not going to get a legitimate job, or that it looks bad that I’ve had two completely different jobs in the past 12 months. I’m scared of all the rejection letters I’m going to get, all the jobs I’m going to apply for and never hear back about. I’m scared that I’m going to be 30 years old and still living at my parent’s house.
But right now, right this very second? I’m hopeful. I know, deep down, that I’ve made the right decision for me. Fear is a hell of a motivator. Call me crazy, but I have a gut feeling that everything’s going to turn out all right.
And I promise to keep writing, about the good and the bad and, everyone’s favorite, the absurd. Wish me luck.
I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring…David Bowie.